I was in the middle of writing a post about making tofu scramble, but I just couldn’t finish it. I don’t want to be disingenuous and continue to write something that I don’t care about (right now, anyway). I’m not in the mood to make a joke about how “eggs-cellent” my recipe is. I want to write what I feel. Writing when you have something to say is always better than when you are writing what you think you’re supposed to say.
So, I’m writing about gender today. And I have honestly never given gender much thought, besides being an ally for trans/non-binary/genderqueer people. I feel rather informed about the subject, but I never really considered it to personally affect me.
But now I’m not so sure, and it’s making me feel weird. I feel so many conflicting and differing things that I don’t even know what I feel. Excitement at the possibilities of who I could be combined with depression at not knowing who I am sends me on an endless cycle of questioning. I feel cripplingly lonely, but I also have the love of my life who makes me feel so incredibly happy and loved. I’m happy and sad, I’m confused, I’m scared, and I’m excited. All at once. Yikes.
It reminds me a lot of when I was trying to figure out my sexuality. I knew I wasn’t straight, and I knew I wasn’t gay, but I didn’t really know anything else you could be. The sorts of “middle” sexualities that are under the bi+ umbrella are not as defined in our society. Or when they are, they are belittled or stereotyped to seem horrible, inherently sexual and, overall, lesser than the binary sexualities. I would spend hours agonizing over how I felt, wishing that I could “just be straight” or “just be gay,” because then it would be ‘easier.’ At least I would have one category to belong to, and at least people would understand and accept being gay (again, I’m not saying this is actually how it is, but this is how I felt at the time). Being bisexual was so hard for me to accept, not only because I didn’t really know anything about it, but because I subconsciously knew that being bisexual had it’s own struggles and obstacles that were so much different than the ones for monosexuals.
I feel like I am right back where I was 2 years ago when I was agonizing over being bisexual. I started watching a lot of videos on YouTube back then to help me figure out my sexuality, and it’s no different now with gender. I’ve been watching so many FTM transgender videos on YouTube, and those videos made me start thinking about my own gender. But yet again, I feel stuck. I don’t feel like I am trans, as I don’t really feel like a man. But I don’t feel like a woman. But I also don’t feel agender either.
This sounds stupid, but I put my hair up into my beanie the other day, and I felt so happy because I thought I looked like Harry Styles (lol). I felt really comfortable and cool. But then the next day, imagining myself without my longer hair felt horrible. Not necessarily because it’s feminine, but because I feel like I might look bad with short hair (flashback to middle school when I had hair that literally looked like the liberty bell). And long hair is usually seen as feminine and I don’t feel very feminine. And now today as I write this all I can think about it how when I look in the mirror sometimes I feel like my hair looks so bad that I actually feel uncomfortable and that it isn’t really matching how I feel inside. All I can think about it cutting my hair off and having it look like the messy men’s hairstyles that I always admired. I also have always liked dressing in “masculine” or “boy” clothes, ever since I was little. But sometimes I love to wear a dress and feel feminine, but most days the thought of wearing a dress makes me uncomfortable. Some days I love having bigger breasts, and other days I want them to be gone. I always wish that my clothes would look different on me, and “hang” more like they do on men’s bodies.
I found the label “gender fluid” which seems to kind of define how I feel. Some days (most days actually) I want to look and I feel androgynous, some days I feel masculine, and some rare days I feel really feminine. But I feel like I don’t deserve to label myself as genderqueer or gender fluid. I don’t really know why I feel undeserving, because I know logically that the only thing I need to identify as a gender is if I want to.
I want to appear androgynous, but I feel like I can’t because of my feminine appearance (body/hair/voice etc). But I also feel completely comfortable with she/her pronouns and my ‘female’ name, even if I don’t feel particularly feminine. But I don’t feel unfeminine; I just don’t feel 100% feminine. And I don’t feel masculine per se, but I feel kind of masculine. But it fluctuates day-to-day, sometimes hour-to-hour. I just don’t know what to do or who I am.
I also don’t know if I’m feeling gender confused or masculine/feminine confused; I don’t really feel like a woman or a man, but I do have strong feelings about whether I feel masculine or feminine on a certain day. But sometimes I do have strong feelings on feeling like a woman or feeling like a man. (See how circular and annoying this is?)
And then I feel like I’m lying to myself or pretending to feel like this. I look at my pictures on Facebook where I think I look pretty or feminine, and I feel like I’m completely making up all of these feelings about not identifying as a woman because I do like those pictures and I do feel like a woman sometimes.
I can’t believe I am back in this position again: being stuck somewhere in the middle. I just feel so sad. It’s such a strange sort of sadness as well. It feels like I don’t even deserve to be sad.
This post is all over the place (just like my gender identity. Ha ha.). And I know it’s perfectly ok to be questioning, whether that questioning is sexuality or gender. Of course that’s ok. But I don’t feel ok. I feel confused and lonely and sad. I feel like even if I do figure it out and figure out a label for myself that it doesn’t even matter because it will be impossible to present or to pass myself as that gender.
Any advice or thoughts are encouraged; y’all can tell I need some help (unless you’re an ignorant jackass ready to make a homophobic/transphobic comment, then you are encouraged to go fuck yourself!).