I was in the middle of writing a post about making tofu scramble, but I just couldn’t finish it. I don’t want to be disingenuous and continue to write something that I don’t care about (right now, anyway). I’m not in the mood to make a joke about how “eggs-cellent” my recipe is. I want to write what I feel. Writing when you have something to say is always better than when you are writing what you think you’re supposed to say.
So, I’m writing about gender today. And I have honestly never given gender much thought, besides being an ally for trans/non-binary/genderqueer people. I feel rather informed about the subject, but I never really considered it to personally affect me.
But now I’m not so sure, and it’s making me feel weird. I feel so many conflicting and differing things that I don’t even know what I feel. Excitement at the possibilities of who I could be combined with depression at not knowing who I am sends me on an endless cycle of questioning. I feel cripplingly lonely, but I also have the love of my life who makes me feel so incredibly happy and loved. I’m happy and sad, I’m confused, I’m scared, and I’m excited. All at once. Yikes.
It reminds me a lot of when I was trying to figure out my sexuality. I knew I wasn’t straight, and I knew I wasn’t gay, but I didn’t really know anything else you could be. The sorts of “middle” sexualities that are under the bi+ umbrella are not as defined in our society. Or when they are, they are belittled or stereotyped to seem horrible, inherently sexual and, overall, lesser than the binary sexualities. I would spend hours agonizing over how I felt, wishing that I could “just be straight” or “just be gay,” because then it would be ‘easier.’ At least I would have one category to belong to, and at least people would understand and accept being gay (again, I’m not saying this is actually how it is, but this is how I felt at the time). Being bisexual was so hard for me to accept, not only because I didn’t really know anything about it, but because I subconsciously knew that being bisexual had it’s own struggles and obstacles that were so much different than the ones for monosexuals.
I feel like I am right back where I was 2 years ago when I was agonizing over being bisexual. I started watching a lot of videos on YouTube back then to help me figure out my sexuality, and it’s no different now with gender. I’ve been watching so many FTM transgender videos on YouTube, and those videos made me start thinking about my own gender. But yet again, I feel stuck. I don’t feel like I am trans, as I don’t really feel like a man. But I don’t feel like a woman. But I also don’t feel agender either.