This is not going to be very structured or intelligent, but I don’t have the brainpower for that right now.
Why, you ask? Well, it is finals week! It is the week where my intelligence and self-worth is determined by having exams and final papers in all of my classes in the span of 4 days.
I’ve never understood this set-up of showing what I have learned throughout the semester. How am I supposed to put 100% of my effort and knowledge into studying for an exam for a class, or writing a 15 page final paper, when I have 5 tests and papers due within 2 days of each other? I could have definitely performed better on so many tests that I have taken and so many papers I have written, but I was incapable of giving any more energy or time than I did. I was too busy studying for all of my other tests and writing all of my other papers to do any more than I did.
And forget about treating myself like a human being. I get 4 hours of sleep per night. I eat exclusively sugar and grease. I have my period, and I have horrible cramps and back pain. But I can’t think about that, so I pop Aleve and sit in the same uncomfortable position for 12 hours straight, and I get angry at myself because I have to get up for 10 minutes to change my fucking tampon because that is 10 wasted minutes of study time. I get mad at myself for being hungry because that means I have to abandon my space in the library and give up a precious 30 minutes where I could have been studying. I get mad at myself when I sleep in until 9:30 because I could’ve been studying, I could’ve been writing, I could’ve been productive, I don’t deserve to sleep. God forbid I take a break to watch a YouTube video or check my phone, because if I do I feel such guilt and dread the entire time that I panic and immediately get back to work.